Welcome to the inaugural edition of Mentellect Q&A, featuring the sound counsel of our very own: Jillian and Russ. Each week they’ll choose a set of questions from you, our loyal, beautiful readers; questions that range from relationship advice, to life’s conundrums, to the very psyche of your fellow man or woman and then dole out the best advice possible. This week: guys in relationships who still look at porn and the women who despise them, coveting thy girlfriend’s best friend, dirty talk, and cheating worries.
I was on my boyfriend’s computer the other day looking up directions to my friend’s new apartment while my boyfriend was in the shower. When I started typing in the website a whole bunch of porn sites came up. I instantly felt sick. I feel kind of betrayed. We’ve been dating for over a year now and I feel like he shouldn’t be looking at porn since he has me. I’m really upset because I feel like I’m not enough for him if he has to be looking at that stuff. I quickly shut it down before he got out of the shower, so I don’t think he knows, but I couldn’t hide how I was feeling. We were supposed to hang out that night, but I just went home. I don’t really know how to approach it. Any ideas?
First of all, bravo to you for not losing your shit on the spot. This problem is so common in relationships and here’s why: most guys look at porn. It makes no difference whether or not they are in a relationship and getting laid on the regular. The one has nothing to do with the other. He’s not looking at porn because you’re not enough for him. It is an entirely different area of a guy’s life. Sexual satisfaction is a physiological need. If he’s bored or the urge suddenly arises and you’re not around he should be able to take care of that need- just as you should feel free to do the same if he’s not around.
I feel that being open and honest is the best route for this. You don’t have to have an awkward conversation with him, but it does need to be addressed mostly for your sake. The next time you’re over his house ask to use his computer. If he freaks and says no, jokingly say something like “Don’t worry, I know full well what the computer history of all males looks like. I just need to check my email, I’m not gonna be perusing your porn collection.” That will instantly let him know that you’re cool with it and you may even have a chuckle together. If he doesn’t object to you being on it, click the drop down arrow next to the web browser to “find” the website you’re looking for. When you see the porn websites, tease him a little. “Ooooohhhh…. what’s this? I can’t believe you’re having all this fun without me.” This shows him that you’ve discovered it, you aren’t surprised, and it doesn’t bother you. That will make him comfortable enough to be open with you if you have any questions. It seems to me that you may be slightly insecure if you feel that you should be “enough” for him and he shouldn’t need porn. Get a little assurance from him if that’s the case. A casual “I don’t get it… these girls are hot and all and I’m sure they’re fun to watch, but isn’t it kind of gross that they fuck a bunch of dudes for a living?” Chances are he will agree that it’s a really disgusting and that he would never put his man parts anywhere near a girl like that.
Looks like someone needs a little lesson in something called “clearing his internet cache.”
Seriously though, try not to get too worked up; as Jill said, men and women are wired very differently in the head. It’s not that we don’t find you attractive or satisfying enough… it’s just, porn is the male equivalent of you reading about Edward and Jacob wrestling shirtless in the mud after giving Bella a full body massage in a bed full of rose petals and professing to her their respective and undying vampiric and lupine love. In other words, it gets us all antsy in our pantsies (Or the male equivalent, again).
Although there’s much debate over whether or not we as humans, particularly males are designed to be monogamous creatures, I think that if someone truly cares enough they can make the effort to transcend their base, primitive desires and devote themselves completely to their significant other. That being said, there will always be urges and tinges of attraction to another human being. It’s just a matter of controlling them. Feel free to call him on his dirty deeds and give him a bit of playful shit, just like Jill said. And realize that while looking at naked women while you’re not around seems disrespectful, it doesn’t classify as cheating, provided it’s done unobtrusively.
That is, if your man’s banana buffing sessions are taking priority over such activities as going to work, or making sweet, sweet love to you… that’s never alright. Feel free to have a sit down talk about a reassessment of priorities or a self-reassessment of your sexual partner at this point.
I think I’m into my girlfriend’s best friend. She’s funny, smart, and has a knockout body. Of course I love my girlfriend, we’ve been together for 5 years and I really thought she would be the one, but I’ve started to feel a deep connection with her friend. I think she might be into me too. We’ve been alone together a few times and nothing has happened, but I could feel that something could have. What should I do?
On the left: What every guy’s girlfriend looks like if they’ve been in the relationship for more than 3 years. On the right: Comparatively, what her best friend looks like.
Well you have yourself a real situation here. It sounds to me like you’re physically and emotionally attracted to the friend which is a pretty big problem. Being physically attracted to another person isn’t a big deal, because you can usually see through it. You know that satisfying the physical desire would destroy the relationship you have with the person you love. In your case, it seems there may be more temptation because of the emotional attraction. I don’t have a solution for you, but I can help you weigh out some options. You could stay with your current girlfriend. You could breakup with your girlfriend and pursue the friend. (Never, no matter how tempted you are, NEVER cheat. It’s ugly and never worth the damage it causes.) So two options then.
Option 1: Stay with your lady and forget about the friend:
• Only one person suffers- you. You’ll probably grieve about “what could have been” and you may even fantasize sometimes, but aside from that no one else gets hurt.
• No risk! Your current relationship is already established. You don’t have to wonder if things are going to work out.
• The one that got away- Maybe this friend is better for you after all.
Option 2: Breakup with your girlfriend and pursue the friend
• There’s a fraction of a chance that it may work and you could end up happier
• More drama than you could ever imagine. I mean c’mon, you’re dumping a girl for her best friend!
• The friend may not even be into you.
• The grass is always greener! Let’s say this chick is into you, and you survive the aftermath of leaving your girlfriend for her newly EX-best friend, what if she’s a total headcase?! Right now you have a pretty solid girl. Are you willing to give her up for someone with potential issues?
I personally would stay with my current mate because I believe that each and every person comes with their own bag of issues and I’m comfortable with my mate’s issues. The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t. Good luck!
You need to look at this situation with a clear head. Uh, literally. So… go home and rub one out. I’m serious. In those few short moments of incomparable clarity which males achieve directly after orgasm, you will know your true answer. Do you still want this new girl after you’ve “drained the venom”? Probably not. If you legitimately still do? Then feel free to refer to Jill’s sagacious advice. Remember, temptation will always be there. Don’t throw away what is a perfectly good relationship by letting lust impede your logic.
When my girlfriend and I had sex the other night she brought up me being with another girl at the same time. Was she just talking dirty or can I hold her to that?
“Dude, I’m gonna have so much Ecto Cooler when this is over.”
I’m sorry to say this, but dirty talk is just that – talk. You can’t really hold someone to the things they say or suggest in the heat of the moment. I will also take this opportunity to delve into the whole “two chicks at once thing.” It’s a bad idea. Even Heidi Fleiss says so. If you truly love your partner you shouldn’t do it. That’s something that can’t be taken back and the silent damage that can occur is practically irreversible. Even the most secure of couples really struggle with the consequences and the jealousy that can occur. Some things should forever remain a fantasy.
Marry this woman.
I think my girlfriend is cheating on me. She stays out later than usual with friends and when I ask her about it she gets defensive. She never leaves her phone out of sight and she added a password to her computer. Also, I found a few random dudes on her Facebook and she swears they’re just friends. Biz Markie tells me different. Am I right to think she’s cheating?
“Alright, alright. False alarm. She was in fact, taking out the trash like she said. Not blowing the mailman.”
She may in fact be cheating, but (and it’s a big one) she may not be. She might just be sick and tired of being grilled. Just looking at your question, one word catches my eye- the word “swears.” This signifies to me that this is an issue you two have likely talked about many times and she is desperate to reassure you. Here’s the thing: people cheat. It’s shitty and it’s wrong, but it happens. Sometimes it seems so prevalent that we assume everyone cheats when this is just not the case. When you’re nervous that your mate may be cheating on you, you start to get paranoid. Suddenly that five extra minutes it took them to get home wasn’t traffic, it was a romp session in the back of some dude’s truck. Messy hair and unkempt clothes from an impromptu nap has you calling the neighbors to see if they saw any suspicious cars in your driveway. A changed password seems shady. “I’m too tired, maybe another night” turns into “I’m not horny because I’m getting it elsewhere.” When these visions start to happen, there is no possible way to treat your mate fairly. You question everything they do, you grill them about their whereabouts and their Facebook friends, and before you know it you are breaking into email accounts and such. Bad news, guy: that’s just as damaging to a relationship as actual cheating. If she is in fact being faithful and you are being paranoid, your incessant questions and breeches of privacy and trust are just pushing her away… hence staying out later with friends and a lack of intimacy.
My advice? Get it together. And I don’t mean a team of private investigators. Flat out ask her if she is seeing someone else. Assure her that if she is you’re not mad but that you feel you deserve honesty and respect. If she says she isn’t then FINE! Go back to treating her like your lady and not a crime scene. You don’t need to go looking for clues and running samples through CODIS. Treat her with love, respect, appreciation all the time. If you are so worried about her cheating, prevent it by being irreplaceably awesome!
Jillian nailed it; when it comes to jealousy, your mind is your own worst enemy. My dad gave me some great advice back when I was dating my first girlfriend and would become incensed at the thought of her hanging out and having fun in places without me that had the offchance of other males wandering within a 5-mile vicinity:
“Don’t let matters that are out of your control bother you.”
Big Russ was right. When you’re in a relationship, you’re not a prison guard. You can’t keep your girlfriend locked up in a cage in your basement chained to a cockroach-laden wall feeding her nothing but buckets of fish heads. Legally, anyways.
The more and more you dog her on “liking” other guys or accusing her of cheating, the less and less attractive you will look down the line. And if she’s constantly being barraged by accusations of cheating and wrongdoing, what’s to keep her from just saying, “Fuck it. I might as well go for it since that’s all I do in his mind anyways.” So she added a few random guys on Facebook… who cares? So she stayed out a little later with her friends one night, but she still came home to you at the end of the night? There are most likely good explanations. And if there’s not… well, there are always those “random girls” you saw pop up in your Friend Request menu, now aren’t there?
There’s a girl at work that I like that seems interested in me. She’s my age, single, and we talk the entire time we’re at work. I’ve asked her out a few times and she shoots me down every time. She’s nice about it, but it’s always a no. What’s the deal?
For the last time, I don’t give a shit about your “leetsauce” level 85 mage in World of Warcraft.
Just because a girl is single and seems to have a good time with you doesn’t meet she’s “interested.” I’m sure there are plenty of girls that you like to hang out with and have a lot of fun with, but that you are not interested in seeing on a romantic level. There are lots of possible reasons she isn’t interested. Maybe, like me, she believes that you shouldn’t date people you work with. Maybe she’s very careful about who she dates and she doesn’t like to casually see people. She may not feel a sexual attraction to you or she may not even be interested in people of the male persuasion at all. Whatever the reason is, she doesn’t owe you an explanation. Politely declining is just fine and regardless of any “vibes” you get from her it is not ok to continue to pursue a romantic relationship with her. You can still talk and laugh at work, but don’t go inviting her to your bonfire on the beach. Things will get really uncomfortable if she has to keep shooting you down because she thinks you “don’t get it.”
Get the hint, my dude. If she blows you off once then something might have legitimately “come up at the last minute,” and her “aunt Mildred from Hoboken just showing up at her doorstep unannounced,” or her “anal bleaching appointment getting rescheduled to… ten minutes before your date,” excuses might actually hold some water.
If it happens a second time, and she doesn’t offer a definitive make-up date, you’re better off leaving it alone. If a woman truly digs you, they’ll let you know when they’re available.
Loved one have you tearing your own hair out? Need advice on asking that girl you’ve had a crush on out on a date? Simply want to chew the fat and ruminate on one of life’s myriad predicaments? Shoot us an e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org, entitled “Q&A”.