Mentellect

Welcome back to Mentellect Q&A, where Jillian and Russ solve your burning relationship quandaries.

This week sees you through what to do when a girl asks where a relationship is going, how to handle a girlfriend’s ex wanting to meet for drinks, and the double standard of whether or not guys can truly just be friends with females. Let’s have at it:

Question #1: Why rush a good thing?

I met this really cool girl and I’ve been seeing her for about a month and a half now. Last time we hung out she asked me if I was seeing anyone else. I’m not, but I felt like she was putting me on the spot too early for how long we’ve been chilling, and told her that we’d talk about that once we hung out some more. She became upset and left and told me to call her when I’m ready to be more up front about stuff. I can see why she’d be mad, but I saw her reaction as very childish and annoying. What gives? Should I have handled things differently?

Valid question.

Jillian:

First, a little insight into the female brain: In general, women like to know where things are going. They always have an idea of what they want 2-5 years down the road and they base their day-to-day decisions on whether or not it gets them closer to that goal. I’ve found men to be the opposite — they really don’t want to think too far down the line and are perfectly content to live life one day at a time.

As you can see that poses a problem when women try to pin down what a guy wants or where a particular relationship is going. The thing is, a lot women in their 20′s are kind of done dating around and are looking for a more stable setup. They don’t want to waste their time with somebody who has absolutely no intention of settling down any time soon. Though her question could very well have come off like possessive, crazy talk and her trying to push things too fast, it was more than likely just her trying to gauge where your head is and what your intentions are in “hanging out.”

In general, women like to know where things are going. They always have an idea of what they want 2-5 years down the road and they base their day-to-day decisions on whether or not it gets them closer to that goal.

I personally feel that 6 weeks is more than enough time for you to know if you want to be exclusive or not and if the answer is no, say it. Part of having an adult relationship (romantic or otherwise) is being open and honest.

Russ:

I know. You’re thinking, “But Russ, pretending to not give a shit makes you alpha as hell. And more importantly, the ladies eat it up with a phallus-shaped spoon!”

Let’s pretend for a minute we’re not in the high school locker room or trying to one-up complete strangers over the internet with tales of embellished sexual conquests and be real: You’ve been chilling with this girl for six weeks now. Assuming you haven’t been calling her exclusively past midnight for unabashed booty calls, that’s enough to give anybody with a shred of self-dignity or sensibility the inclination to ask you, “What’s the deal?”

Whether you want to admit it or not, time has been invested by both of you into whatever is going on; she had the ovaries to ask you to clarify where things are going, so now you have to grow a pair and extend that same courtesy to her. If you enjoy hanging out with her, but aren’t ready to rush into a relationship, then tell her that. If you really like her and want to see if things keep going well, tell her that. If you honestly don’t see it turning into more than a relationship, tell her that as well. I’m not saying you become an amateur cartographer and map out your next 25 dates — but you do owe her an answer.

Flip your roles for a moment. Would you want a girl using you with no clear intention of where things are going? “Yeah, that’s called the curse of every male in the world ever cursed with a hooded warrior, Russ.”

Whether you want to admit it or not, time has been invested by both of you into whatever is going on; she had the ovaries to ask you to clarify where things are going, so now you have to grow a pair and extend that same courtesy to her.

I’ve known that feel before, fellas. The dreaded friendzone; a designation lower than the lowest form of human being to ever clamber its way whimpering from the gene pool. That’s what you’re essentially doing to this girl if you don’t answer her and feign your intentions. Remember — when they ask you where things are going, you owe them an explanation, no matter how brief or simple.

(To be fair though, ladies, if you bring this up and he answers in a polite, responsible manner — do not push the issue. Nothing can drive a guy away faster than constant nagging.)

Question #2: Her ex-boyfriend’s back. What do I do?

My girl’s ex is visiting from another state and he invited her to lunch to catch up. She also invited me along, saying that it wasn’t a big deal. Why the hell would I want to hang out with her and someone that she’s been intimate with? In my mind, an ex is an ex, and there’s no reason for her to still be in contact with the guy, much less leaping at the chance for a lunch date with him. What’s the best way to approach this without punching someone square in the kisser?

The only time fighting over a girl has ever had any redeeming value: Stephenie Meyer’s wet dreams.

Jillian:

You’re not going to like most of what I have to say about this, but please trust me on this one. I can understand where you’re coming from- I have absolutely no interest in sitting down to lunch with ANY of my exes, but that’s not to say that everyone shares that view.

Here’s why I think you have nothing to worry about. 1) She told you about it. 2) She invited you. 3) He’s an ex for a reason. Generally, people who are secretly trying to rekindle an old flame don’t tell their current beau about it, much less invite them to a lunch date with them! Your lady is with YOU, not him.

This is your chance to show her (and him) that you are secure and trusting and most importantly that you are a way better catch than him.

This is your chance to show her (and him) that you are secure and trusting and most importantly that you are a way better catch than him. If it were me I would accept the invite and plan a few really fun events for the morning before the lunch. Take her for a walk in the city. Let her pick out a sexy pair of shoes or a small piece of jewelry “just because.” Take her out on a really memorable date the day before – maybe a canopy zipline tour of the fall foliage in the White Mountains? Or something silly and sweet like pumpkin picking with friends followed by hot cider around somebody’s backyard fire pit. My guess is the next time the ex came to town he wouldn’t be calling your lady for lunch. Problem solved! Or you could always tell her “No, I don’t want to go and I think it’s stupid that you want to hang out with your ex. He probably just wants to hump you again.” I’m sure that’ll go over just as well with her and the ex won’t think you’re a huge insecure, possessive, bonehead.

Russ:

Settle down, cowboy. Jill’s on to something here; if there was something truly shady going on, chances are your old lady wouldn’t even have brought it up — much less invited you.

Nobody really likes their significant other’s exes, no matter what they say. That’s just a cold, hard fact of life. But look on the bright side: if she truly wanted to screw around, she could have said “I’m going to Gretchen’s for wine night to watch Magic Mike — don’t disturb us,” or “Oh, these new panties? Yeah, I bought them to go visit Nana in the hospital,” and then you’d find out three months later she and her ex-beau had dry humped in the backseat of a Volvo.

Here’s what you’re going to say when she brings it up: “Oh, that dude? Sure babe, might as well meet him. No big deal.”

A lot of guys would fly off the handle at the mere prospect of this situation; order their girl to cut off all contact immediately; demand that she can’t go drinking with her friends; arrange that she have prefrontal lobotomy done so she is physically incapable of believing that any other man exists in the world.

But that ain’t you. You’re not gonna make her feel trapped. You’re not going to drive her away with jealousy. Instead, you’re gonna lick your chops in the face of such a challenge and play it off like a goddamned champ.

On the inside you could be seething with jealousy and rage. Your blood could be boiling at the mere thought of them exchanging even cursory glances at one another. But like Jill said, you are the guy that replaced him. He is the one tagging along here, not you. Don’t treat him like dirt or as a threat — on the contrary, kill him with kindness, show your girl that this is no big deal, and then take her home afterwards and have at her for the raunchiest game of mattress polo you’ve had in years.

Question #3: My boyfriend’s best friend wants to hang out with him; and she’s a girl. Can I trust him?

My boyfriend of 3 years had a female friend from high school move in down the street recently and she’s been hanging around with him at the bar on the weekends recently. I’ll be straight with you – I don’t like the bitch one bit. She’s overly flirtatious (i.e. always touching his arm and shoulder and making overly long eye contact); giggles like a valley girl on helium, and dresses one (very small) step above total sleaze. I do have friends that are guys, and I realize this sounds hypocritical, but I don’t think he should be hanging around with her. Especially when I’m not around. The difference is, I feel that females can have guy friends and make it clear that friendship, and nothing more than that, is exactly what’s going on. Guys often think with their — ahem — other heads. What’s your take?

Jill:

Time for some tough love: you’re being more than a little hypocritical by saying that women are OK to have guys friends because they don’t let it get physical, but men can’t control their physical drive to screw anything that moves so they can’t have female friends.

I’m no psychologist, but I do have a spin on this that you might find interesting: women who feel unfulfilled in a relationship tend to seek emotional and intellectual stimulation to fill that void. Some women seek positive attention, validation, and conversation from men that they find attractive and that is enough to fill the void while others find themselves in an emotional relationship with someone on the side. Though nothing physical is taking place, emotional cheating is still cheating.

Men do cheat through emotional relationships as well, however most men are seeking the physical gratification that comes from cheating. They aren’t cheating because their girlfriend isn’t intellectually stimulating, they’re cheating because they need more sexual stimulation.

Maybe you aren’t sure where this is going… my point: Emotionally cheating or physically cheating — they’re both cheating, just different forms. Now, this is not to say that any girl who hangs out with guy friends is guilty of seeking validation and attention- just like every guy who hangs out with a friend that’s female is not trying to get with them; just saying that what’s fair is fair: if you don’t think guys should be hanging out with female friends, then you shouldn’t be hanging out with male friends.

Ok psychological stuff aside, let’s talk real solutions. I’m a big fan of being irreplaceable when it comes to shameless hussies trying to snap up your man (or just keeping your guy in general). I know this is my answer to a lot of questions, but it’s true! No amount of grilling, accusing, forbidding, and threatening will every keep a guy (or girl) from cheating!

Instead, be the kind of girl that your man brags about. When his friends complain to him about their girls be damn sure that all he can do is shrug and say “I wouldn’t know what that’s like.” Don’t want him to cheat physically? Keep him fulfilled. Couples who play together stay together. If he is getting everything he needs why would he go elsewhere?

For this particular girl- MEET HER! Nothing is more intimidating to a shameless hussy than the girlfriend of your target meeting you and not feeling threatened at all. Confidence is a must! Pop into the bar one weekend. When you find him chatting her up, act like she’s just one of the guys. Say hello to her then warmly greet your guy. Nothing too posessive but definitely with some affection. Let him know that you had a few minutes before meeting up with friends and wanted to say hello. Chat for a minute or so but no more than that, then say goodbye to both of them and scoot out. No snippiness. No jealousy. This shows her that you don’t view her as a threat. Behind the scenes let your man know that you’re obviously cool with him having friends, but the minute she comes onto him she is no longer a friend. If you have days where you feel really insecure or jealous, do something about it! Insecurity is really just a fear or YOURS that you could be replaced. If you don’t want to feel that way, make yourself irreplaceable!

Russ

Be the girl he brags to all his friends about: set up a threesome!

But seriously, if you think it’s possible to have a nice, platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex then why can’t the same apply to your boyfriend? And by your own logic, isn’t the guy you’re having an “innocent friendship” with being driven to his absolute breaking point by hanging out with you?

Let it go. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean he has to hate every other female in the world. There are no red flags yet. If there are, then you have some reason to get fired up — but for now, let the man have some friends. Even if they do have tits. Believe it or not, there are men in this day and age can who can differentiate between right and wrong; that don’t want to stick it in everything that breathes. Shocking, I know! If he truly cares about you he won’t stray.

She’s just a friend. Honest.

Loved one have you tearing your own hair out? Need advice on asking that girl you’ve had a crush on out on a date? Simply want to chew the fat and ruminate on one of life’s myriad predicaments? Shoot us an e-mail at russ@mentellect.com, entitled “Q&A”.